Written by Eric L. Irby
I’m from Mississippi, born and raised. While I let you work through your Antebellum voyeuristic fantasies of me and my friends running on dirt roads and chucking corn (chile Idk lol); most people who aren’t immediately ignorant inquire if I’m from Jackson, our capitol or somewhere beachier and closer to somewhere like Hattiesburg.
But no, probably to some of your dismay, I’m from neither but from Meridian with a population of 35K and one main high school, I am indeed the tragically typical but comical, SMALL TOWN GAY.
Now for my brethren who are from bigger states or that have states with large and diverse cities that had the pleasure of growing up in these places, lean in and learn; for my fellow Bumfuckers just touch and agree when it hits.
Let me set the scene
So, if being a fat kid and young adult wasn’t hard enough in the mid 2000’s, you sprinkle in being also Black and GAY?!
Crazy shit. Basically frolicking in traffic everyday; it didn’t hurt that this was also the era where shows like America’s Next Top Model were prevalent, brands like American Eagle were at their height and social media was sneakily modulating ‘into the final-act-in-The Substance’ monster that it has become today (MySpace was trying to warn us with those Top Friends smh).
Anyhow, this is also during the era where all gay media showed just mainly skinny white men; like look at Queer as Folk or really anything gay. Hell, Noah’s Arc was kind of body inclusive, but I did find the expectation of Alex being the comic relief a little…suspicious. I’ll even say Drag Race because of some of the diversity of the contestants’ bodies, but there was no representation. And if we were being represented it was for comedy (as mentioned earlier).
Now, add actually dating of any kind, into that mix.
The Beginning.
I started exploring gay dating sites fairly young; there was probably an element of not only seeking community but mostly being mostly being hot in the pants. But during this experimental research period, I quickly learned that what I looked like wasn’t considered desirable. Before Jack’d was King and Grindr was on the map, there was the OG: BGCLive. (If you know what that means, your knees probably hurt this morning too.)
I’ve always been a thicker kid, started growing body hair pretty early and I was ostracized just for existing. And the horrific understanding that dating was probably going to be difficult for me was something I felt like I had to either accept or adjust.
Then there was the whole “discretion” thing. At the time, only a few family members knew I was gay and I had the leisure of being comfortable in my skin, but putting my actual face on a gay dating app just seemed like too much.
The problem was, because of the persistent fatphobia that surrounded me, I felt like I couldn’t just simply be a headless horseman and just have my torso and stomach out; remember this is the 2000’s, they’ll burn you at the stake and (I guess I’ll give it to y’all) I’m in Mississippi.
So I’d just hit guys up and see what would happen when we both “unlocked.” In retrospect I was like 17-18 so maybe they were like “ew a child” but I’d have some guys either kindly ignore me or unkindly told me, “No blacks” or “sorry no fats” or my favorite “no big dudes.” Yes, the first time it happened it felt like I’d been sniped through the computer (remember early 00’s we weren’t using apps for real).
And this was the norm for me up until college where because I was in a more diverse space, I could meet different types of people. And baby when I tell you the stories that I have, it would probably blow your mind…but that’s for another time.
Even though I was experiencing more “attention” I was still stifled because the real world wasn’t reflective of those experiences and the queer community at my very conservative university wasn’t out and was only interacting with other people who weren’t out. But even in those social circles, I wasn’t perceived as desirable vs the response other people would trigger.
I not only felt undesirable but also isolated.
Atlanta
Fast forward, I’m now in grad school and I did the typical thing and moved to Atlanta, GA. So innocent and nubile
(I miss it lol).
But while I was there is when the shift occurred; now I know that there is definitely a case of “New Face” syndrome in the community, when someone new moves into a city, and there was a level of that but arguably it was most noticeable to me because I’d never received that much interest. Up until then I stayed in predominately conservative, not mostly but heavily influenced white and unquestionably fatphobic homophobic environment.
I’m not good at math, but it started to add up pretty well: I was right, I’m not this unattractive monster, I was just in the wrong place! I mean something I chat about with one of my friends is about how important it is that you have surroundings and a support system who want you to succeed. The same thing applies to matters of the heart.
Attraction is spectrum even when your location can make it seem static. What’s considered hot by someone somewhere may not be hot to you, where you are. For example, I think abs are cool, but they don’t really do anything for me. Whereas a midsection with a dash of definition (what the folks call ‘beefy’) does it for me and that doesn’t mean that I find people with abs less attractive or wouldn’t date someone with abs, but I also can’t help what I immediately respond to and what has traditionally responded to me, respectfully. Policing our attraction based on the whims of others is detrimental, unless you’re trying to date said other.
Everyone is different, which is a beautiful thing and trust me I get it being from a small town or place that lacks diversity or makes you feel less desirable, can make the aforementioned statement feel like a cliche; but it’s true. And I’m not saying that you have to move to another city to find love or to hookup or anything, that’s so drastic because our self-worth isn’t intrinsically tied to our sexuality, but I’d also be lying if I didn’t say that seeking a space for acceptance and to feel good didn’t help myself development.
If you know me or follow me on social media, I’m not afraid to take my shirt off, really anywhere nowadays and I also don’t really care if someone finds me attractive or not because I’m passed that but also, I know that I am, and you need to believe that you are too.
For my readers who are either from a small town, experiencing loneliness or just feel undesired, my actual advice would be to disengage for a while and find things that bring you joy outside of intimacy. Invest in yourself and make sure that you’re good, and I’m almost positive the right person/people will naturally attract to you. And in general, fuck them folks. You are more than your body. So much more.
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